Marriage In The Middle
I’ve been married three times but to the same man. I read that concept in a piece in the New York Times a few years ago, and I think the author was spot on. She emphasized that the man she married in his 20’s was very different than the man he turned into in his 30’s and 40’s. I think my husband would say the same of me. I, too, am very different from my 20’s and 30’s, both thankfully and regretfully, and my husband isn’t the same either. To have the expectations on my husband related to his 20’s would be foolish, even damaging.
I, too, am very different from my 20’s and 30’s, both thankfully and regretfully, and my husband isn’t the same either.
We used to make up these silly games to play, like biscuit baseball (throwing biscuits into our ceiling fan). We’d play Risk on our Playstation for an entire weekend. We kept score on the basement wall of our nightly ping pong matches. It was fun, like every day. I am still fun, but it’s more a sometimes than an every day norm. We used to host parties and have people over all the time, now we are so thankful for quiet weekends with nothing on the schedule. Our changes are our own, maybe not like yours. This isn’t formulaic for everyone, but it has been true in mine.
I often see pictures of myself, this girl 10 years ago who never missed a workout, who now never misses a chance to sit in the quiet during her free time. We change. Some good, some not the best. We are not people who stay static. Interests, abilities, time to invest all come and go with passing years. Expecting or thinking that things will stay the same in a relationship is naive. Even damaging.
We have a long way to go over here, my parents have been married for 50+ years, so I can only speak to this middle season. The middle time where well-grooved lanes, patterns and roles have been steadily grooved into our hearts, calendars, and minds. Long too has passed the need to overly impress each other because unconditional love abounds, and, in its uniquely amazing way, leads me to let my guard down and stop striving so very hard to keep the love that is already fixed towards me. Mix this with the demanding schedule of being in the middle of parenting multiple kids who have constant schedule demands, homework, ever-changing moods, and social or emotional struggles. It is simply exhausting. This exhaustion likely comes coupled with the biggest earning years work strain sprinkled with some unmet dreams and expectations. So, how do two people committed to each other stay connected through all these stages and changes?
“Long too has passed the need to overly impress each other because unconditional love abounds, and, in its uniquely amazing way, leads me to let my guard down and stop striving so very hard to keep the love that is already fixed towards me.”
1- Make Room In Your Heart For Changes
Sounds oversimplified, but for me, instead of constantly trying to get back to someplace that existed in another season of life, I sat in the place I am now, with the man who is here now. During these middle years, we have made many decisions and are starting to see the outcome of some of them; the outcomes aren’t always pretty, and they affect us. Make space for this. Talk deeply about how various decisions have impacted your life, your moods, your dreams. Feel sympathy, gratitude, and respect for each other and how your lives have lead you to this season. Allow for new patterns and grooves to form instead of fighting for how things used to be. I’m obviously not talking about unhealthy patterns, those need to be addressed and stopped immediately, but judgment shouldn’t exist between partners. There should be an air of grace and acceptance between us allowing for changes and embracing them.
2- Fight Back with Intentionality
For us, marriage in the middle years (15-20) took an infusion of intentionality. We had allowed schedules and being worn out to settle in. For a season, we had to reinstate date nights on the calendar well in advance, rotating the responsibility for the planning of it. Before this season, I normally did the date planning, but I changed, I no longer wanted to do that. Doing it now left me upset. We had to adjust. We took a trip for an extended period of time to reconnect. It was important for us to plan moments that built connection, like trying something new together. We recently went indoor skydiving. My husband consistently asked high-level, value questions like what were my highest needs, or I would ask how I could support him this week. We had to be intentional because overcoming issues and persevering takes intentionality.
3- Be Honest with Someone
We all need a sounding board. Someone to listen, give perspective, rejoice and weep with us, but when your person becomes the very person you need perspective on, it can be difficult to know where to go. Maybe it’s time to see a counselor, alone. Not even as a couple yet, but just you. I met with a counselor for five hours one day. We hashed out so many things, mostly unrelated to my marriage, but I came back lighter and more hopeful. Sometimes just verbalizing what has changed and where you want to go will be healing in and of itself. Some people are gifted with friends who they can trust. This can get sticky sometimes as spouses can be uncomfortable with this. I will always advocate for prayer though, laying at Jesus’ feet the need you have in your marriage for you and your spouse. What greater thing can you do than talk to the person who loves you and your marriage the most?
“… when your person becomes the very person you need perspective on, it can be difficult to know where to go.”
People come to Dr. Levine, who holds a counseling practice in New York, saying that they’ve felt misunderstood and unheard in the marriage. She says, “They tell me, ‘Here I am in a relationship and it feels like I’m all alone,’”. Though they might have full and exciting personal lives, they’ll feel like they’re no longer working as a unit with their spouse. Whether that’s because their priorities for the future have shifted or because they realize they simply don’t have much in common with their partners anymore, that disconnect and loneliness can be reason enough for some for divorce.”
To fight against this happening, we have to work together to find common ground as we inevitably grow and change. It’s the astonishing promise of marriage, for better or for worse. It’s the beauty and security of unconditional love that, even if you change, I will still be here. Acknowledge you will be married to the same, yet ever-changing person, over the course of a lifetime. This is beautiful, and this is unconditional love at its finest.
