Children Are Not An Outcome

Has it ever happened to you that your children were all loaded into the car to run an errand only to discover upon arrival that one mysteriously neglected to bring their shoes? Have you ever woken up one day and declared it was the day you were going to potty train your child? Or maybe one Saturday morning you arbitralily decide to teach your child to ride a bike, only to crawl into bed that evening realizing that attempt was a complete loss, and man my kid is strong willed? Chances are, if you are a parent, you have found yourself in a situation like one of these.

It doesn’t take long to learn we are not in control of our children, their progression, and their lives as much as we’d like to think. Our well-laid out plans, ideas, dreams, or even developmental processes do not always work on our timetable, or ever for that matter, and certainly not always with our desired results and outcomes.

What is the dream, hope or prayer, the desired outcome you have held in your heart for your children?

As fathers, mothers, stepparents, we strive to do our best for these precious people in our homes. But in this universal parental striving, I must keep in mind that I am a character in someone else’s story. I’m in a story that doesn’t belong to me.  How I write or continue to write my own story will likely be different than how my children write theirs. Parenting is the grand tension of these two stories being written at the same time; mine which contains them, and theirs which contains me. However, what role I have in their story is ultimately up to them. As much as I want to author or co-write how my children’s stories unfold, I am not the author. I can supply the ink and paper, but what gets put down is up to them.

For me, my greatest prayer and hope is that my children believe in God and walk with Him all the days of their life. However, as honorable as those desires may be for my children, I can not make my desires for them the focused outcome. Their faith is not for me and my comfort, even though it would bring great joy to my heart. It is for the glory of God and their good. If and how God accomplishes His transforming work in their lives is not up to me. I can not control it, force it or do everything just right so that this happens.

Instead, as a Christian, I must attach my life, myself to Jesus, not hopeful outcomes. My attachment to Him always brings grace and truth into my life and home. Having a correct view of my role as a parent allows room for God to do His miraculous work, which He promised to do faithfully and completely.

See, I was never intended to carry the burden of their salvation or sanctification. I can be assured that I can not thwart the plans of my Savior. What I must do is get on my knees in prayer, give testimony of His goodness all the days of my life. I can tell of His greatness and faithfulness daily. I can hold onto the truth that He loves them, has a plan for them, and will hear my prayers. I can teach them diligently all that His word has to say about all the things of life. I can be faithful to follow God but rest in knowing the results and outcomes are bigger than me with my good or failed attempts at raising these children.

In my example of desiring my faith to be passed on, I must accept my role and understand that the outcome is not up to me. If my child walking with Jesus is the goal, however beautiful the goal is, I will attach my worth and identity to it and subsequently have the temptation to fall into despair if they don’t choose this path. For you, it may be something else you dream of and hope for, but the idea is the same. As Jeannine Cunnion explains in her book, Mom Set Free, “If somewhere along the lines you have believed that good parenting = good kids, you have picked up the wrong equation..” and have tons of pressure to get it just right.

We can not take credit for the miraculous, unique gifts our children possess nor the heart transformation that can occur. Neither are we meant to shoulder the burden of guilt for the varying results that come from their choices. I am accountable for how I parented, not the uncontrollable results, but I know the One who does and can and will.